The Way of the Idiot

BlazBlue Continuum Shift 2: 3DS

2011-04-12T16:20:00.000+01:00

OK, it's now twice that I've missed something ace.

I'd finally grown tired of taking pictures of my cock from different angles to try out the 3D on the 3DS when I discovered that BlazBlue: Continuum Shift 2 was coming out for it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the 3DS. There's nothing quite like having 3D pictures of victims you groomed using Streetpass but this is the best news ever and forced me to write two posts in one day.

I'm that excited I don't even mind appearing enthusiastic:

Street Fighter IV: Arcade Edition

2011-04-12T12:21:00.001+01:00

Move along now, there's nothing to see here.

For fuck's sake, when is this update coming out???

BlazBlue: Continuum Shift

2010-12-10T10:50:00.005Z

So, where to start? Let's be honest, this is fucking brilliant.

I pumped a fuckton of time into SFIV but there was always something missing. Maybe it's the 3D that turned me off, maybe the slower pace or characters that didn't grab me as much as Third Strike or Street Fighter 2.

Either way, I've found my baby. I'll be posting stuff about this for a while as it's made New Vegas seem like a distant memory.

Oh and with character design like this, who can bitch and moan? It's all beautiful and plays like a dream

Mutherfuckin' Squiggles

Sexy Electric Frog Throwing Vampire (tm)

Kitty Titties

Fuck: It's been ages

2010-12-10T10:49:00.002Z

Either way. BlazBlue dump coming up.

Just quickly though, it's ace.

RIP Frank Sidebottom....

2010-06-21T18:42:00.003+01:00

Remote Control was my favourite but you did loads of genius stuff and were very funny. Bye, sniff.

Tits, bikinis and fighting...WIN

2010-05-18T16:41:00.003+01:00

The sequel to Bikini Karate Babes or some shit looks fucking amazing!

Behold the spectacle that is Warriors of Elysia. It manages to blend soft porn, fisticuffs and human trafficked eastern Europeans into a world of gaming goodness.

It's made even better by the sensitive way it handles racism and sexism without even needing to use those pesky word things.

Finish him...off...by hand...or cleavage

BlazBlue: Don't leave me

2010-04-29T11:58:00.005+01:00

So, there's an amazing fighting game out at the moment and it's about to lose the majority of its online players. This is fucking tragic.

Blazblue is fucking great with sexy big-titted and women and cats that show you their pants when you kick them in the gob.

Love Blazblue, unless you play as squiggly, then you can fuck off to Capcom

If you are playing Blazblue don't just give up on it for Super SFIV this week. Keep that love going. It's worth it.

Guru Dies: Am cry

2010-04-20T14:12:00.003+01:00

It's such a sad day, man, the dude was a genius.

Still brilliant lyrics, and Premier's still with us.

Capcom Vs. SNK 3: WHAT?!?!?!?

2010-04-01T08:54:00.004+01:00

HOOOOOOOOOLY FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. I can't believe it, I just can't...

Best news ever...

Given the date it's probably a fake. Little cheeky fuckers that they are...Oh well, back to dreaming (sigh)...

Julie Peasgood in Violent Video Game Shocker: No not that Mars one.

2010-03-25T11:01:00.002Z

Julie Peasgood's been involved in loads of violence based games. We just didn't know it.

Daft idiot

Check out this fucking work of genius: http://templeweed.co.uk/julie.swf

Alan Titchmarsh and Julie Peasgood on games

2010-03-23T10:05:00.011Z

To be fair, it's been some while since we had a complete fucktard pipe up and start spouting bollocks about games.

This week there were three on The Alan Titchmarsh Show.

An arse and a girl's bum

One of the bile-spewing retards on the show was Julie Peasgood. She's "completely against violence as entertainment" dontchaknow?

People on the internet, after a bit of research, found out that she'd actually featured as an actress in a pretty violent game (for the time). So she's only against violence as entertainment when it's not lining her own pockets.

Don't worry I'll put the moral high-horse back in the stable.

I thought for a while about some violent video game concepts that they might not find too fucking mind-blowing.

I came up with these:

Ian Huntley Throat Slicer

Synopsis:

You're a bit of a geezer, you're locked up in cell block D for nicking a car radio but it was an honest mistake guv. You've been doing your time quietly but now a new bloke's moved into your cell and he's giving you a right hard-time. Get some big time rep and stop him hassling you by putting an end to the vile nonce Huntley's life.

Features:

Use any items you can get your hands on to create a shiv. Real-time throat-cutting action using the Wii remote to hack away at the vile paedo's trachea.

Command and Conquer: Immigrants

Synopsis:

Choose from one of five recently-added EU member states and deploy your surplus workforce to the UK. Tactically position your countrymen and use their special abilities to cunningly take jobs from the indiginous population by using their special "hard-work" and "resonable-pricing" superweapons.

Features:

Each nation has its very own superweapon and tactical approach. 2011 "Our Boys" Nick Griffin expansion pack coming soon.

The Sims: House Prices

Synopsis:

Take control of the every-day people in your neighbourhood. Influence their behaviour, get them to doing crazy things to their homes and themselves. The Sims: House Prices lets you view the effect these wacky humans of all different races have on your house price, in real time.

Features:

Immidiate link-up to the land registry database to see how your next-door neighbour's house price has also been affected. The innovative "HELP" button imediately emails your MP wth your woes.

This all sort of reminds me about the Anne Diamond thing a while back too.

Avatar is shit. It really is.

2010-02-19T09:27:00.006Z

Right, so after after everyone saying I should watch this, I finally gave in, and did. and you know what?

It's fucking useless.

Blobs of fanboy jizz float gracefully through the air

And before you ask I didn't watch this profound-as-a-puddle epic in 3D. It's like someone asking if you saw Amityville 3D or Jaws 3D. It begs the question why would you want an extra dimension of shitness?

You've probably all seen it by now so I'm not going to go into much detail but:

Blue people = Look plastic
Real actors = Are wooden
Special effects = Nearly as good as anything in real life
Plot = Makes Postman Pat look like The Godfather
Sigourney Weaver = Not good as a ginger
Marines = All a bit thick and homoerotic

Score 2/10

(would have been 1 if I'd seen it in 3d)

I called it on Titanic (which I still haven't seen) at the time and I'm calling it here. Just you look back in a few years.

Alarm's ringing. It won't stop....

2010-02-19T09:26:00.002Z

Wuh...what?? Oh yeah...now where was I?

Super Mario Land and why I love You Tube

2009-03-02T10:36:00.002Z

This shit was posted on Kotaku so it must be important.

Either way this is one of the most funny fucking things I've seen in ages.

Some dude is giving a commentary as he plays Super Mario Land whilst off his face. Oh and it seems as though English isn't his first language.

Fucking Monstars!

Death Tank - Ninth in the fucking world!

2009-02-19T18:38:00.004Z

Go me.

I have a pic to prove it but if I posted it you'd all know my gamertag...and unless you send in cosplay porn nothing's happening on that front.

Boom

You see that? I'm better than you at it. Well unless your name is:

Adelta
Twokill
Jonny Sinister
A hero is born
Hamm Sandwich
Plural dolphin
vVv Crysis

CPT Simpson has the same score as me. Fuck, I'm a victim of the Alphabet now.

Left 4 Dead- Jack Thompson's gonna love it

2009-02-19T17:07:00.003Z

25 quid.

That's what I paid for one of the best games I've ever played.

Go and buy it if you don't already have it. It's work work of staggering genius.

It's the first game I've played that let's me go nuts in airport with a shotgun and pipe-bombs. There's even a flaming van that you have to move and explode. The devs didn't mention Glasgow Airport but you get the picture.

If Jack Thompson was still doing his thing this would be called a TERRORIST SIMULATOR for sure.

Braaaaaaiinss

Instead it's just just zombie death in the best way imaginable.

Death Tank - Xbox Live arcade

2009-02-19T17:00:00.004Z

Fuck me. I've done it.

In the week that SFIV is out and every other fucker is playing that I've finally officially become good at a game.

The game Death Tank, the officialdom - 26th in the world leaderboard. I can hardly believe it.

I'm officially good at killing shit

Oh, and the game i fucking great too. Well worth the 1200 points that every cunt is whining about.

Sagat's Fucking Huge

2009-01-09T14:06:00.003Z

I found a massive model of Sagat on holiday. He's fucking huge and I'm sorry I called him a cheap wanker.

Tiger Knee (you in the balls)

But based on last night's play he's still a proper cunt and everyone's gone back to using him after getting that fucking acheivement. Still, up to 70 wins though.

Tiger Mutherfuckin' Knee! Get tae fuck ye cunt!

2008-12-09T15:10:00.003Z

Spamming fucking bastards!

Finally got my combos going, gettign a number of wins and then fuck. As soon as one person's done it, the unimaginitive 15 year old American twats all start doing it.

Not griefing on them but when every fucker online is Sagat, it's mad fucking dull.

Sagat: Cheap wanker

Gears of War 2: Review

2008-11-27T10:49:00.003Z

It's bloody great!

Mariaaaaaa....You've gotta see her!

Go and buy it. Oh and leave a Guitar Hero guitar plugged in. It's fucking great. Death by whammy bar.

Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo HD Remix: Review

2008-11-27T10:37:00.002Z

So, after waiting pretty much a year since it was announced and reading Sirlin's blog and generally nursing a "woody in my sweats" I downloaded this last night.

I didn't have much of a go but here's my review.

"Not as good as the Beta."

Mainly because I couldn't get a fucking game all night. Oh, and all my records from the Beta mysteriously vanished. Massive cunts.

Oh well, it looks pretty and seemed to play OK in one player. If it keeps up like this I'll have to find some real life friends to play against. Which means I'll need to start acting like a sociable human.

Aaaaah fuck it, I'll just wait til SFIV and the new King of Fighters instead.

Where the fuck is everybody?

Video Games Live 2008: Cosplay Extravaganza

2008-11-07T15:09:00.004Z

I went along to Video Games Live 2008.

A brief review and synopsis would be along the lines of:

1st Half
1st game music montage: Great
Magical Sound Shower: Great
Mario bit: OK
Rest of the first half: OK
Wine in interval: Too Sweet

2nd Half
I can't do tjhis bit in bullets cos it was fucking weird. Imagine a big orchestra playing themes you don't know from JRPGs you don't give a shit about. Now combine that with an audience of fucking uber nerds whooping and hollering to pictures of fan art done by kids with a fucking pack of crayola.

Now imagine that every male in there, bar me and a few other sane people, were trying to conceal their Japanophile hard-ons. We left early as we didn't to be victims of a Final Fantasy bukkake.

It wasn't a complete waste though. There was also:

Cosplay
Now I'm not a massive fan of this at all but this was possibly the highlight of the show. It was some of the worst cosplay I've seen and I'm fucking gutted that I didn't take any photos.

The dude who won the competition was wearing a shop-bought master chief outfit. There were a load of Solid Snakes and somem more fucked up RPG shit that I couldn't give a toss about.

They made this look good.

Meow......Fail

King of Fighters XII: Where the fuck did that come from. It's very nice.

2008-10-16T14:12:00.008+01:00

I'm doing this all the fucking time. Missing out on great new stuff with no real reason why.

I thought the new KOF had vanished after the last cam footage I saw. And then someone dead clever told me about this.

How fucking jizzworthy is this?

Holy-fucking-crap-Batman

I'm simply blown away.

Expect the next few days to feature a breakdown of random screengrabs from that sex-o-footage.

Nintendo DSi - Fuck me...

2008-10-02T11:14:00.004+01:00

Ok So the DSi is on it's way to Japan in November.

Thanks Kotaku

It's a revalation! Its a DS Lite with:

A camera
A slightly bigger screen
An SD card slot
Thinner from the side
A shop

Or more to the point. It's a DS Lite with:

Home-made porn
A bigger screen to watch home made porn on
Removable home-made porn for use on other devices
More portable home-made porn
A shop for Japanese bukake and user generated home made porn (not strictly true)

Go go Porntendo.

Even though little's changed I'll still end up buying one.

Samba de Amigo: Heartbreak

2008-09-29T10:32:00.006+01:00

Sorry for the lack of updates.

I've been in mourning.

I kept dreaming as I was reading that.

Please just be that things have moved on. Please just be that they don't like Ricky Martin. Please let it be that rhythm games have changed since Rock Band and Guitar Hero entered the market. Let it be anything but that one little thing that's been gnawing away at my soul since I heard Sega were redoing it.

Let it be that the primary colours hurt the reviewer's eyes, let it be that the dancing monkey went against the reviewer's PETA like sensibilities. Let it be anything but that, please, for the sake of the children, the starving and the afflicted. Anything. But that.

Surprise.

The controls are fucked!

Review = 5/10

Games that can make you smile like a chimp: -1

"You broke my heart Fredo"

It's a sad day. What's there left to look forward to? Brown Space Marines 2?

Samba de Amigo Week: Artist profile Ricky Martin

2008-09-12T12:16:00.006+01:00

The only thing I knew about Ricky Martin was that he did some crap songs which were somehow made into greatness by a monkey in a Sombrero.

Now I know more.

He's been nominated twice for "The Most Beautiful Person in the World Award"
He's a goodwill ambassador for UNICEF
He headlined Dubya's election campaign party
His mum is an accountant

His contribution to the Samba track listing was The Cup of Life and Livin' la Vida loca.

Just a couple of things really. Who the fuck won The Most Beautiful Person in the World Award? What on earth does a goodwill ambassador do, clear away land mines with a blast of She bangs?

Ricky Martin: A bit shit without Sega

Conclusion

Ricky Martin + Samba de Amigo = Goodness

Ricky martin solus pack = Shit music with an accountant for a mum

Next: Quincy Jones

Samba de Amigo: How the fuck...

2008-09-11T13:47:00.004+01:00

Did this completely slip past me?

It was only yesterday I was crowing about having nothing to play on the only machine that I have working at the moment.

What the fuck was I on? How the hell could I have not remebered that this is coming out. This month. Next-fucking-Thursday. Raaaaagggghrghrgrhgrhrghgrhrgh.

And so begins, Samba week!

We'll be taking a long hard look at artisits featured in Samba de Amigo. We'll root out their real motivations for working with Sega, their, likes, their loves and what their favourite fucking biscuit is.

Arriba el sombrero!

I'm glad that PG tips for monkeys doing cool shit. Otherwise this would never have happened !

Tomorrow: Ricky martin

Summer Games Drought

2008-09-10T11:17:00.003+01:00

What a fucking state of affairs.

The summer drought is usually bad as all the idiots line up their cool shit for Christmas. This year however takes the biscuit.

It's been a shite couple of weeks for gaming, my 360 is still fucked, my DS died and I'm near the end of Super Paper Mario. When I'm done with that I've got fuck all interesting on the horizon until SFIV, Deathtank on XBLA and KOFXII.

What shit.

When I do get my 360 sorted I suppose I should try that Braid thing although it seems far too up its own arse for me.

Shhhh...don't tell anyone but I got one of Konami's latest masterpieces and I can confirm it's pretty fucking cool.

Dance Dance Immolation

2008-08-19T13:50:00.004+01:00

Fuck me. This looks cool.

Not only is it DDR. There are no schoolkids in sight and the immaciated emo teengaers seem to have taken the day off too. It's DDR with huge fuckoff jets of flames that roast you if you fuck up.

The best use of a Steps tune ever

Simply amazing stuff. Fuck knows where you find a cabinet and that but I need to play this. Now.

More cool shit over at the main site.

Guitar Hero vs. School: Who wins, You decide.

2008-08-19T12:45:00.004+01:00

So there's this guy callled Blake. He's pretty good at Guitar Hero. He's good enough that his parents have taken him out of school so that he can concentrate on killer riffs and all that.

I came across this on RLLMUK here. What I don't get is why they're all fucking whining about bad parenting and all that. The kid still gets home schooling and gets to play guitar hero and earn a few extra quid.

What's fucking wrong with that? Absolutely fuck all that's what.

Go Blake, The Idiot salutes you and your flaming finger power!

Prick (only out of jealosy mind, I can't do anything on expert)

Who needs fucking pixels anyway?

2008-08-14T16:38:00.005+01:00

While out looking roung shops I found these blinging Lego characters.

I think they're fucking cool.

Cool pendants, cunt's clothing

WTF is the Chanel one?

All we need now is some socially inept Aspergers gamer to make a few levels out of Lego. We could then control it all marrionette style in real time.

It'd still be better than half the shit that's come out recently...Bratz Kidz Party I'm looking at you...you shovelware shit.

Georgia vs. Russia: Death Tank Extravaganza XBLA

2008-08-13T15:04:00.003+01:00

Fuck off with your real killing machines and death dealing vodka bottles...Just kill the shit out of each other wiith Death Tanks.

The best multi-fucking-player game ever (Warlords notwithstanding) is now in for an arcade release.

Get in.

Bagsy be the Russians, that kid in the corner with no thumbs, you're Georgia.

Independence eh? Check out the size of my tanks then think again

Fuck Anne Diamond! Peggle FTW!

2008-08-11T16:50:00.005+01:00

So,

I've concluded that Anne Diamond is a bit dull. Instead of writing about her for a week I went on hols with Cakemix instead.

Sorry for the lack of updates but hey. Sunshine and grub wins out every time.

So, I would be playing braid at the moment to see what everyone is jizzing themselves over but I'm still in RRoD hell so it's DS and Wii stuff all the way.

So, recommend me something that's more fun than fatasising about Peggle DS. Which I'm doing a lot.

Anne Diamond: Shit and boring

Peggle DS: Much better than Anne Diamond but less opportunity for cot-death jokes

Anne Diamond week: Saturday

2008-08-02T11:00:00.004+01:00

OK, so I missed yesterday.

That's mainly because there's fuck all to say about Anne that isn't blatantly obvious.

So I thought I'd be blatantly obvious. There's something weird about Anne Diamond's weight. It fucking skyrockets and plummets on a regular basis. At the moment she's endorsing some plastic surgery, gastric band type shit. Looking at the pic below, would you fucking get one?

Yes, that's about as interesting as it gets. Christ.

This is starting to get really hard now and it's only second update. Where's my cosplay animal fucking?

Just eat fucking soup truffle-chops

And I've still not made a cot-death joke. Yet.

Anne Diamond week: Thursday

2008-07-31T21:22:00.006+01:00

The six degrees of Iain Lee.

So after extensive research (a look on wikipedia while having a shit) it seems that Anne's been a busy lady. I didn't know it, but she had a show an LBC with Tommy Boyd - The really rubbish one off Wac-a-Day.

That's the same radio station that Iain ' is it Ghostbusters 2?, crappy Renault Clio, Thumb Bandits' Lee had a show on. That's two different people I've written about who have a very tenuous connection. The planets must be in alignment.

They do have their differences though, one I quite like, the other one made me fucking angry.

Either way, there's not nearly enough dirt on Anne Diamond as I was hoping for. So for fuck's sake, help me out and send in something, anything, about cosplay beastiality so I can end this ill-chosen 'week'.

Oh, and I'm far too nice to make cot-death jokes

SPECIAL UPDATE ALERT: Anne Diamond Week!!

2008-07-30T10:16:00.006+01:00

A quick trip to Google analytics shows that the top three keywords that send people to this blog are:

Anne Diamond's Cunt
Anne Diamond Fucking
Cosplay Pet Fucking

As much as I'd like to spend my time trying to find pictures of a middle-aged man cosplaying Sakura with his cock in a goldfish I've decided to focus my efforts on a special Anne Diamond week.

Yup - that means an update a day on Anne Fucking Diamond.

God the time's going to fly by. Unless anyone can help me by sending in loads of very explicit cosplay animal sex material (strictly for updates and nothing else, honest guv).

Get ready to be blown away (potentially literally) by the all-new kickass Anne Diamond!

This boomstick, me bit shit breakfast telly presenter

Fuck You!

2008-07-24T12:28:00.005+01:00

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh...

Fuck
Shit
Cunts
Pain
Pestilence
Disease
Nasty words
Salt be on your anal fissures

My launch machine got RRoD last night. Can't really find the words to exclaim my pissed-off-ness.

What shit

So, do I replace it and keep all my XBLA games (I don't really care about the disc based shit) or, and I can't believe I'm typing this, do I get a PS3 after payday?

Help me.

Battle of Destiny: 26th July - Holloway, London

2008-07-23T14:49:00.006+01:00

So I'm going along to this thing on Saturday.

http://www.battleofdestiny.com/

Who's going to be there to watch me get my arse handed back to me in shreds, on a silver platter by a 10 year old still in nappies?

It's very likely.

Commment or send me a mail, perhaps we could meet? Cosplay obligatory.

Like this:

Clungemonkey

Cosplay Friday! Western Game alert!

2008-07-18T16:30:00.003+01:00

Look, it's Lemmings!

No spiky haired blonde idiots with big fuckoff swords here. No girls in stupidly short skirts being letched over by 300 sweaty otaku...just lovely gentle gaming with the Can-Can playing over the top.

Aaaaw look...One of them has even got an umbrella for authenticity.

Aramagedddamemnon!

They all sort of look like a tourist tour around london...you know, the ones that all wear the same coloured jackets.

The one at the fronty to the left of centre could have put a bit more fucking effort in though.

Cosplay de Go Go: Thursday!

2008-07-17T14:33:00.003+01:00

I don't know what the fuck the girls are dressed up as but they look like they should be dishing out cups of early grey or similar.

Leslie Neilson: "Nice beaver"

The comedy comes from the blatant upskirt shot from the otaku dude. Mind you, the girls don't seem to mind or be bothered at all.

I can't figure out what the piece of paper is on the floor behind them. I'm going to assume it's a map as they're clearly in a corner next to an office block rather than a proper anime convention.

Day 2 in the cosplay week house: Edmund Honda

2008-07-16T12:40:00.008+01:00

They're not all going to be Street Fighter updates but gag me...I couldn't not use this fucking gem.

Hundred hand fapp!

I can't see any other cosplayers around, the place looks like a train station and he's clearly on his way back from Tesco (hence the carrier bag).

That means that this guy dresses like this normally. I think that this is a truly great piece of cosplay.

It takes Sumo wrestlers years to get to their size and keep the weight on. This guy went through that to not even be a wrestler but to dress up as a fictional one. That's dedication (R.I.P. Roy Castle).

I'm not sure why the other people are all looking the other way...This guy is clearly greatness embodied. Even if he does have a bit of a farmer's tan.

ACHTUNG! COSPLAY UPDATE! ALERT! - Monday

2008-07-14T15:28:00.004+01:00

Today we have...Bison or Balrog for the two readers from the east (cheers Google analytics).

Let's have a closer look. This guy is probably in his early twenties and works in IT. To be fair he's made a reasonable stab at this costume though. Fair enough.

Hadou...oops

He's got a lot of cardboard going on. You wonder why until you see the scuffed Reebok clasics indicating he's either from Chingford or Selly Oak. So he probably just pulled down his window coverings.

Note that he's used the red parcel tape from the same coverings to finish off his hat too. He truly is the Eco (world) Warrior

The orange prison outfit works pretty well. He may as well get extra use out of it after his stretch for unpaid parking tickets.

I'm loving the pose improvisation with the sneaky addition of a hadouken even though Bison doesn't do them.

The best thing about this though is the FUCKING CARPET! Look at it, go on! Under the sofa on the right there's a cartoon of Noseybonk and the rest of the pattern is just so, you know, like out there dude.

Usually, casual observers are great for little observations, but these guys are obviously used to some chap dressing up like a fictional dictator and making funny actions. These guys couldn't give a shit if a guy's making a fool out of himself right in front of them.

They're far too busy looking to see if the burger queue is any shorter...

E3?? Fuck that...this week is...COSPLAY WEEK

2008-07-14T15:04:00.002+01:00

While I've been looking for idiots in cosplay I seem to have amassed a large number of mildly amusing pictures.

So, as E3 will no doubt be the same industy circle jerk piece of shit that it was last year, I thought I'd focus on cosplay instead.

Update imminent...

Whiny people from Kansas...

2008-07-09T22:54:00.002+01:00

Declined my challenge.

Still eight wins out of ten ain't fucking bad...go me!

Fucking idiots

Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo HD Remix Beta...

2008-07-09T20:47:00.004+01:00

Fuck me that's a mouthfull...why not call it SSF2HDRB???

It'd save a lot of saliva and my fucking patience. Either way...

Chores...check (sort of)
Tidy up...check
Filthy wan...erm.....carwash...check
The whiny ass fourteen year old from Kansas who reckons "he all dat"s gamertag...check
Enough time to make him cry...check

Expect and update in an hour or so...I'm gonna murder the cunt (virtually Mr. Plod).

Why use a decent picture when you can have a Muscle Mary in cosplay?

Anne Fucking Diamond...Jesus wept, and then coughed up a lung

2008-06-17T15:53:00.007+01:00

Well fuck me...games are going to cause all our kids to kill each other. Watch out society's falling apart.

Well not really, but someone completely unqualified has decided to have a stab at games journalism. So I'm going to have a completely unqualified stab at journalism critique. Oh, and you get to read Anne's fantastic comments too.

£10 quid to anyone who reads, £20 quid goes to whoever can find out if Anne plays with inverted controls or not.

Scarface

"Mindless garbage" inspired by an Oscar nomiated classic? Fuck you Anne Diamond. My mate went to school with your nephew. Apparently, he was boring. And a cunt.

Jounalism score: 1/10 - Use of "mindless garbage" too cliched. Must try harder.

Resident Evil 4

Violence? Bad for you? Faced with a whole load of Zombies what would you do. Make them a cup of fucking tea?

Jounalism score: 1/10 - makes a lazy assumption that torture is ghastly - do some fucking research. It's ace, just ask the majority shoreholder of your publication.

Call of Duty 4

I haven't played this game but it's pretty clear that neither has Anne. Either way - dogs getting their necks wrung sounds well...cool?

Jounalism score: 1/10 - OK for older teenage boys? Fucking sexist. Fucking ageist. P45 at any decent paper.

Halo 3

Landed at Christmas did it? Fall off Santa's fucking sleigh did it? Perhaps it was just bought in a shop like the bloody Xbox, moron.

Jounalism score: 0/10 - "My sons reckon". What about your fucking opinion. That is what you're getting paid for isn't it?

Jericho

"Playing on your fear of the dark". How fucking old are you, 8? NEWS UPDATE: Anne Diamond is still scared of the dark.

Jounalism score: 0/10 - "I stopped playing when I was set on fire". How can you form a decent opinion of the game if you don't play it all the way through. The rest of game is full of fluffy Kittens Anne. It's just a bit hard going at the beginning.

Dead or Alive 4

What's not to like about machismo, bravado and gravity defying tits?

Jounalism score: -5/10 - At least get the title of the fucking game right.

All in all Anne Diamonds a pretty shit video game journalist. Perhaps she should go to work for Edge.

Or Games TM.

Slice and dice mutherfuckaaaas!

2008-06-06T13:20:00.005+01:00

Just back from lunch with the best violence ever...

Lots of tea and a night of gore...Roll on 6pm

Mmm body cocktail

How to feel like a fucking retard...oops It's called Professor Layton actually

2008-06-04T12:02:00.004+01:00

So I got Professor layton and the Curious Village a couple of days ago and it's class. There are only two things that get me about it.

1. It's fucking impossible (for my tiny mind).

I've never really thought of myself as a dribbling fucktard but this game is handing my arse back to me. Some of the puzzles are dead easy but I've been stuck on one for an age now and it's driving me up the wall. Even using up hint coins helps fuck all. Now, this is a game that's made to be enjoyed by kids. If they can do this kind of shit and I get stuck, what does that make me? Am I thicker than an eight year old?

It'd be easier in fucking Japanese

2. Corr blimey Sherry Bobbins...

I started this without the sound on so I missed the Dick Van Dyke cockernee of the little kid at the beginning. Cakemix started playing it and it seems like I missed out on the full blown hilarity of the localisation.

I want more of this goddammitt. There had better be some more full voice over cut scenes before the end.

Chim - Chimerny..chim chim oh fuck off.

KOF...Fucking finally...

2008-05-27T20:20:00.003+01:00

Amazon finally got their fucking act together and I got my KOF books.

They're fucking sweet. Now they just need to pull their thumb out of their collective arses and send the episodes in between the ones they just sent me...

Oh well,they could have shit on my cornflakes.

Sweet

Super fucking sweet

Samba! Samba! Samba! Awesomeness embodied...

2008-05-22T12:48:00.002+01:00

Too much to take in...It's all happening on one day.

First the Capcom thing and now a new Samba de Amigo trailers. It's got Monkey's and Maraccas and it's one of my fucking favourite all time games ever in the world ever ever...and it's coming out on Wii and there's a fucking monkey in the ad.

Can life get and better??

Not fucking likely this side of the next gazillion years

Capcom vs. Tatsunoko...yummy

2008-05-22T12:03:00.004+01:00

OK, so the latest issue of Famitsu has me creaming. Fuck, I'm doing that a fair bit recently.

Either way Tatsunoko characters are getting wedged into a 2D fighter and it's going to be fucking brilliant in an MVC kinda way.

All you need to do is say Ryu and Battle of the Planets in the same scentence. Go on, try not to get a raging hard on.

Spooge

Metal Slug 7 Money Shot video

2008-05-16T17:58:00.003+01:00

Just cleaning the come off my screen now...

I heart You Tube

Fuck me in the arse....Metal Slug 7

2008-05-16T17:46:00.004+01:00

Is coming to the DS.

By way of a completely unsubstatiated rumour on RLLMUK....Whoop de fucking hoo...I can't wait.

Off to pop to the work loos and use up a whole bunch of loo roll.

Get in!

Schweeet!

Models....

2008-05-14T09:49:00.003+01:00

Just saw this which is fuckign amazing.

Models aren't really my thing but the flames on this blew me away

Where's my stuff?

2008-05-12T10:58:00.002+01:00

Well come one Amazon...fucking tell me and fucking tell me now!

It's been nearly three weeks since it shipped and this time it's not the theiving gypo postman cos I got all that shit sent to work.

I wanna read KOF stuff and make amigurumi stuff.

Arrrggghhh.

Even Granny agrees

Iori...

2008-05-04T13:58:00.003+01:00

Well...it's fucking sick.

The pic's a bit blurry but it's some great work.

Cheers to the boy Wes for great work. Dude, you're a star.

Fricking Sweet (tm)

Fuck GTA4?....

2008-05-04T13:45:00.004+01:00

Well not really. I was only fucked off because I couldn't get one.

Well after a flukey visit to Zavvi (however the fuck you spell it) I managed to hang out and a nice man sold me a copy.

Not played it yet but with the golden shower shit in the manual it's bound to be fun...

Mmmm tangy

Fuck GTA4....I'm too busy...

2008-04-30T11:52:00.004+01:00

Playing SNK vs. Capcom Card Fighters.

Blue Mary says "Hi"

It's fucking great. I didn't get what the fuck I was supposed to be doing until a couple of days ago and now I'm rocking a sweet deck and kicking the shit out of the cannon fodder.

There have been a couple of difficulty spikes but nothing along the lines of cunty Dugog.

Mmmm Shermie.

Oh and it's Iori day tomorrow, fucking sweet.

Orochi-tastic

Fucking Cosplay...

2008-04-17T12:46:00.003+01:00

When I was looking for a pic of Iori for my last post I came across this cosplay dude.

Click the pic for the full-size one and check out his facial expression.

Munggrrhghghgggggghhhhhh

They say a picture says a thousand words. In this case the words are all monosylabic grunts...eeejit

Ikaruga Wednesday: Special Update Alert!

2008-04-09T16:30:00.006+01:00

As it's Ikaruga Wednesday I thought I'd theme an update.

I've just had some other fucking great news too. Oooh I'm all happy. Go Cakemix.

Anyhow, here's the special Ikaruga update...

White!

Black!

White! Oh shitfucks, I've bollocksed up my combo! Restart - Ugh

Fuck me...That's a surprise

2008-04-08T11:51:00.004+01:00

You know when something sneaks up on you and you don't even know it's coming.

Well this fucking has...Tomorrow is Ikaruga Wednesday. How the fuck could I not have been jizzing over this for the last month?

Well it's up on XBLA tomorrow. Tomorrow. Yes, that's Tomorrow.

I'm so fucking busy with work and other stuff that it's just come and bitten me on heavily swollen balls.

Well, this is just fucking brilliant, I heart Ikaruga. It's been rocking my desktop for the last four years and now I get to play it without having to plug in my purple cube of shitness.

And I'm going to the tattoo shop tonight...Fucking get in!

Argos are motherfucking cunts!

2008-03-29T10:50:00.003Z

Deliver this, you fucking incompetent, ill-educated, unhelpful, piss-taking bunch of twats.

Arse-gos more like. The cunts.

Big Mother Truckers

2008-03-28T22:14:00.003Z

Fucking great game that...

Thought about it after seeing this

I still hate Queen with a fucking passion though.

Cockfucks

Call the jizzmoper! Guitar Hero DS...vinegar strokes get!

2008-03-20T09:36:00.004Z

Christ alive.

This looks fucking great. I like the idea of something you stick in and play it with.

Have a look at the video here. The guys in it look like the variety bus just pulled into town and it's just a bit too full of cunty "Gee isn't this great" but I'm really looking forward to it.

Watch the video at this German non-scat related website

They better get the fucking track listing right though. Pricks.

Yum

USB? Fucking piece of shit more like.

2008-03-18T23:04:00.003Z

Well not USB but the lack of.

How the fuck am I supposed to get Sony's shitfuck drivers back onto the laptop which is now fucking fucked. My kingdom for a USB stick.

Cunting custom drivers

Fuck me! It's Iain Lee.

2008-03-16T22:42:00.002Z

I quite like Iain Lee.

He's usually pretty funny and he managed to put up with that moody fucknut Pharrell Williams at the Halo 3 launch.

Well, he should ask for more cash from LBC because I just saw him driving down Bloomsbury Street.

He was in a shitty Renault Clio.

Bang go my dreams of making millions of pounds from being into games and complaining.

Oh well. Fuck it. Work tomorrow.

Millionaire Iain Lee

The Fucking Pet Shop Boys

2008-03-13T17:18:00.007Z

Why the fuck are they on repeat, all afternoon.

Fucktards.

Fuck off you pretentious cunts

Space Invaders Extreme

2008-03-12T14:50:00.004Z

God this is fucking great.

It's managed to get me away from that fucking puzzle-game-that-will-not-be-named too. At least now it means that I don't see coloured blocks on the back's of my eyelids when I try to sleep.

Instead, I've got shroom induced visuals and some acid casualty's excuse for music. Still, I'm loving it.

Minter: You're Beat!

Swearing Update

2008-03-10T09:13:00.005Z

I got in this morning and discovered a latecomer to the swearing party. Strictly speaking it's not really swearing but it made me chuckle:

Chinsplash

It's what happens when a lady tries wearing a pearl necklace that's slightly too large.

That's jizz on your neck, and chin. Yumm. A double whammy.

What's the fucking point?

2008-03-07T18:45:00.006Z

I've had such a shitty day and been close to tears/going postal and hovering between the two since lunch. In a bid to get "cathartic on my ass" I asked people for their best swear words.

Here's what I got in a hope to dispel the rage and dispair (contains naughty words):

Shitcunt
Cuntyfuckwaps
Cockjugglingthundercunt
Jesus Chrysler
Shittington
Bollocks fuck bollocks fuck ooohhha

What's wrong with people these days. They can't even swear properly. I just read those out loud and I feel exactly the same.

ZZzzzzzzzzz

Where's the endless rage that I hoped for?

Tonight, I shall mostly be despising this old lady:

Fucking Airtheif

Techno, techno, techno, techno...logy!

2008-03-02T15:13:00.004Z

Nope. Don't worry it's not these cunts.

Q: You ready for this?
A: No. So piss off back to Denmark.

It's been a right tech weekend this weekend. An EeePc for me (which is fucking lovely) and a pink DS for Cakemix (who is fucking lovely).

All for now.

Christ! My eyes...It's extreme.

2008-02-27T16:30:00.007Z

Well I was feeling royally fucked off this morning so I used my ten second lunch break to order this work of shroom-chomping genius.

Mmmm White Rabbit

Space Invaders Extreme looks fucking lovely and a bit of a headfuck. Just the kind of thing that I like.

Oh, and it doesn't give whiny Minter any cash towards his bandwidth so he can fell us all to fuck off. I'll let you know if it weans me off my puzzle quest habit.

Oh and as it's coming from Japan you can expect a mega-rant about getting stung by the cunts at customs.

In anticipation of a invoice, they can fuck off now. Come back in a bit, and fuck off all over again when they charge me.

ZOMFG! King of Fighters XII

2008-02-22T11:58:00.007Z

What with yesterday's SF4 video and now this it looks like I'm danger of turning into something that looks a bit like Dot Cotton. All my bodily fluids are leaving me through the end of my cock in the form of jizz.

My favourite game ever has been given a lovey HD spin and update and it looks fucking lovely. Watch the video and decide. To me this is the best thing ever (nearly). If it plays OK and makes it onto a console I can finally ebay my Neo Geo stuff.

Just look at the video, go on. It's nearly even better than midget scat porn. Pics stolen from 1up.

Wankity wank spurt

Wipe cock clean on trousers. Wankity wank spurt

Oh my christ - Call a jizzmopper. Quickly!

2008-02-21T12:13:00.005Z

I've just watched some new Street Fighter 4 footage from GDC.

How fucking cool does that look? Knowing my luck it'll be PS3 only. Fucking Sony pricks.

Crimson Viper looks to have been following this young lady's thigh workout. Mmmmm.

More stuff here

The cunt and La-La Land

2008-02-07T11:47:00.000Z

Managed to get the resident fucker down to 20 hit points this morning on the tube and then he pulls out one his cuntish 100+ killing combos. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

I wish I could find him walking the streets and shove him under a bus.

In other news I'm off to LA tomorrow for fun sunshine and in-laws. I can't wait.

Might be a bit quiet but you can console yourself that I'll be going to the In-and-Out Burger and riding some Carribean Pirate's massive vessels.

The dude will certainly abide

Rez HD and the Return of the Prick

2008-02-06T10:50:00.000Z

So, I finally got to squeeze in some Rez time whilst doing laundry. It's all that I had hoped for and more. Stick the additional controller on your nut-sack and you're away.

Happy times.

It's now OK to have a hard-on and play games at the same time without the use of hentai dating sims

In other news I've now got to fight Dugog again on DS. This time he's even harder as I made a right balls-up of character class and spell choice. God he's a fucking prick. I can't belive how unbalanced he is as the first boss in the game.

He can join masterfoods in the 3.30 cunty-stakes at Chepstow.

If the instant action is fuck right off. Dugog can pick that option.

Itsa not justa me!

2008-02-01T16:24:00.000Z

Thank fuck. I'm not losing my mind, other people think Dolmio ads are "slightly racist".

They are posts from the Internet though so could have been written by any nutter. Either way, this time I like the guys from the internet because they agree with me.

Just so I can put an image in every post here's another monstrously bad header from the fucktards at Masterfoods.

Q: Who can get fucked?
A: Masterfoods

It's not just Italians either. Loads of people have beef with them on racism.

This is the last post about Masterfoods for a while now. I'll be back to games and swearing for the hell of it soon.

And this twat can fuck off too

Itsa Me! Racist Sterotype!

2008-01-31T12:23:00.000Z

Fuck off Dolmio.

Take your racist steroetypes and fuck off. Go and peddle your overpriced mashed up tomatoes to some other fucker.

This pizza-eating, scooter-riding, bum-pinching fuck nut isn't buying it.

Justa like Mamma used to mayka!

Oh my christ! I've just had a look at their site. The title of the site is, and I shit you not "When'sa Your Dolmio Day?". No that isn't a typo, it's some twat copywriter in an agency being incompetent.

ARGGHH

Look. Here's a header from the site to show you that I'm not making this up.

One finger of your twix belongs up your arse, the other down your cock hole

Masterfoods are wankers. And Mars bars are shite.

Roll Up, Roll up. It's Rez Wednesday!

2008-01-30T10:19:00.000Z

Well it's finally here. Rez HD hit this morning I am stuck at work and then tonight meeting mates later.

Why oh why oh why does it have to happen like this?

I want to play this:

Mmmmm thumping

With this tickling my prostate:

Mmmmm pumping

My spare time ups and walks out of the door

2008-01-29T13:51:00.000Z

Oh for fuck's sake, an auction that I forgot I'd won just came through the post today.

Puzzle Quest DS. Just in case I didn't have enough fun grinding to get past that fucker on Xbox live I now have the joy of doing it on DS too!

Goodbye life, Hello eyestrain

Christ, I don't think I can slot this in the machine until I leave work, the country, or even shuffle off this mortal coil.

Dugog Caught in Two-Headed-Freak Killing

2008-01-29T01:27:00.000Z

Fuck you, you fucking ogre.

I've got a real life too and I don't want to spend it battling some cheap cunt who likes to think "He's all that".

Dugog sadly had little worth giving a shit about in his treasure chest

Take my lovely Giant Rat mount and stuff it in your prolapsed arse.

What's the fucking point?

2008-01-28T11:26:00.000Z

The pills are killing me.

Work's doing my head in.

Oh and Dugog is a cunt can fuck right off.

It's not just me either. This young lady seems to agree.

What a twat.

Take a right at the mountains and go and burn his house down

Undertow

2008-01-25T14:28:00.000Z

Live was screwed up for the few weeks over Xmas. As an apology the folks at Xbox decided to throw in a free game. Undertow.

Can you see anything? Can you fuck.

In concept the game seems like it'll be fun. A type of conquer bases (a bit like Domination in UT) affair but in 2D. Seems sound huh?

Bollocks is it. You can't see what the fuck you're doing at any point the sprites are so small. I know that my eyes give me grief and I'm not going to even dredge up the age old wanking joke cliche, but this is beyond a joke.

It's fucking unplayable. Save your bandwidth. You'll have more fun out of a Frogger demo.

Undertow
A shit

Puzzle Quest

2008-01-25T14:27:00.000Z

Just got this after a points splurge on XBLA.

Truly great game if you don;t mind the Zoo Keeper type puzzling. I'm a bit shit at it at the moment but it's just so very more-ish.

Good stuff indeed. And I know I'm late to the boat. Bear the fuck with me.

Zoo Keeper
Puzzlequest

Omega Five

2008-01-25T14:24:00.000Z

Great stuff on Xbox Live Arcade.

I've been really enjoying this. The score mechanic and combo system works excellently and has some lovely little touches. I'm now competing to get to the top of my friends list leaderboard.

Really really nice although...on the first level on my telly I can't see any of the ice that the fucking gorilla thing shoots out as there's not enough contrast. Really fucking annoying. And yes I've tried changing my telly settings.

It annoys but aside from that truly ace shmup. Very recommended.

Omega Five