Tuesday, 17 June 2008

Anne Fucking Diamond...Jesus wept, and then coughed up a lung

Well fuck me...games are going to cause all our kids to kill each other. Watch out society's falling apart.

Well not really, but someone completely unqualified has decided to have a stab at games journalism. So I'm going to have a completely unqualified stab at journalism critique. Oh, and you get to read Anne's fantastic comments too.

£10 quid to anyone who reads, £20 quid goes to whoever can find out if Anne plays with inverted controls or not.



Scarface

"Mindless garbage" inspired by an Oscar nomiated classic? Fuck you Anne Diamond. My mate went to school with your nephew. Apparently, he was boring. And a cunt.

Jounalism score: 1/10 - Use of "mindless garbage" too cliched. Must try harder.


Resident Evil 4

Violence? Bad for you? Faced with a whole load of Zombies what would you do. Make them a cup of fucking tea?

Jounalism score: 1/10 - makes a lazy assumption that torture is ghastly - do some fucking research. It's ace, just ask the majority shoreholder of your publication.




Call of Duty 4

I haven't played this game but it's pretty clear that neither has Anne. Either way - dogs getting their necks wrung sounds well...cool?

Jounalism score: 1/10 - OK for older teenage boys? Fucking sexist. Fucking ageist. P45 at any decent paper.




Halo 3


Landed at Christmas did it? Fall off Santa's fucking sleigh did it? Perhaps it was just bought in a shop like the bloody Xbox, moron.


Jounalism score: 0/10 - "My sons reckon". What about your fucking opinion. That is what you're getting paid for isn't it?





Jericho


"Playing on your fear of the dark". How fucking old are you, 8? NEWS UPDATE: Anne Diamond is still scared of the dark.

Jounalism score: 0/10 - "I stopped playing when I was set on fire". How can you form a decent opinion of the game if you don't play it all the way through. The rest of game is full of fluffy Kittens Anne. It's just a bit hard going at the beginning.




Dead or Alive 4

What's not to like about machismo, bravado and gravity defying tits?

Jounalism score: -5/10 - At least get the title of the fucking game right.

All in all Anne Diamonds a pretty shit video game journalist. Perhaps she should go to work for Edge.

Or Games TM.

Friday, 6 June 2008

Slice and dice mutherfuckaaaas!

Just back from lunch with the best violence ever...

Lots of tea and a night of gore...Roll on 6pm

Mmm body cocktail






Wednesday, 4 June 2008

How to feel like a fucking retard...oops It's called Professor Layton actually

So I got Professor layton and the Curious Village a couple of days ago and it's class. There are only two things that get me about it.

1. It's fucking impossible (for my tiny mind).

I've never really thought of myself as a dribbling fucktard but this game is handing my arse back to me. Some of the puzzles are dead easy but I've been stuck on one for an age now and it's driving me up the wall. Even using up hint coins helps fuck all. Now, this is a game that's made to be enjoyed by kids. If they can do this kind of shit and I get stuck, what does that make me? Am I thicker than an eight year old?


It'd be easier in fucking Japanese


2. Corr blimey Sherry Bobbins...

I started this without the sound on so I missed the Dick Van Dyke cockernee of the little kid at the beginning. Cakemix started playing it and it seems like I missed out on the full blown hilarity of the localisation.

I want more of this goddammitt. There had better be some more full voice over cut scenes before the end.

Chim - Chimerny..chim chim oh fuck off.