Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Tiger Mutherfuckin' Knee! Get tae fuck ye cunt!

Spamming fucking bastards!

Finally got my combos going, gettign a number of wins and then fuck. As soon as one person's done it, the unimaginitive 15 year old American twats all start doing it.

Not griefing on them but when every fucker online is Sagat, it's mad fucking dull.




Sagat: Cheap wanker






Thursday, 27 November 2008

Gears of War 2: Review

It's bloody great!


Mariaaaaaa....You've gotta see her!



Go and buy it. Oh and leave a Guitar Hero guitar plugged in. It's fucking great. Death by whammy bar.



Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo HD Remix: Review

So, after waiting pretty much a year since it was announced and reading Sirlin's blog and generally nursing a "woody in my sweats" I downloaded this last night.

I didn't have much of a go but here's my review.

"Not as good as the Beta."

Mainly because I couldn't get a fucking game all night. Oh, and all my records from the Beta mysteriously vanished. Massive cunts.

Oh well, it looks pretty and seemed to play OK in one player. If it keeps up like this I'll have to find some real life friends to play against. Which means I'll need to start acting like a sociable human.

Aaaaah fuck it, I'll just wait til SFIV and the new King of Fighters instead.



Where the fuck is everybody?



Friday, 7 November 2008

Video Games Live 2008: Cosplay Extravaganza

I went along to Video Games Live 2008.

A brief review and synopsis would be along the lines of:

1st Half
1st game music montage: Great
Magical Sound Shower: Great
Mario bit: OK
Rest of the first half: OK
Wine in interval: Too Sweet

2nd Half
I can't do tjhis bit in bullets cos it was fucking weird. Imagine a big orchestra playing themes you don't know from JRPGs you don't give a shit about. Now combine that with an audience of fucking uber nerds whooping and hollering to pictures of fan art done by kids with a fucking pack of crayola.

Now imagine that every male in there, bar me and a few other sane people, were trying to conceal their Japanophile hard-ons. We left early as we didn't to be victims of a Final Fantasy bukkake.

It wasn't a complete waste though. There was also:



Cosplay
Now I'm not a massive fan of this at all but this was possibly the highlight of the show. It was some of the worst cosplay I've seen and I'm fucking gutted that I didn't take any photos.

The dude who won the competition was wearing a shop-bought master chief outfit. There were a load of Solid Snakes and somem more fucked up RPG shit that I couldn't give a toss about.

They made this look good.

Meow......Fail







Thursday, 16 October 2008

King of Fighters XII: Where the fuck did that come from. It's very nice.

I'm doing this all the fucking time. Missing out on great new stuff with no real reason why.

I thought the new KOF had vanished after the last cam footage I saw. And then someone dead clever told me about this.

How fucking jizzworthy is this?



Holy-fucking-crap-Batman

I'm simply blown away.

Expect the next few days to feature a breakdown of random screengrabs from that sex-o-footage.

Thursday, 2 October 2008

Nintendo DSi - Fuck me...

Ok So the DSi is on it's way to Japan in November.

Thanks Kotaku

It's a revalation! Its a DS Lite with:
  • A camera
  • A slightly bigger screen
  • An SD card slot
  • Thinner from the side
  • A shop
Or more to the point. It's a DS Lite with:

  • Home-made porn
  • A bigger screen to watch home made porn on
  • Removable home-made porn for use on other devices
  • More portable home-made porn
  • A shop for Japanese bukake and user generated home made porn (not strictly true)
Go go Porntendo.


Even though little's changed I'll still end up buying one.

Monday, 29 September 2008

Samba de Amigo: Heartbreak

Sorry for the lack of updates.

I've been in mourning.

I kept dreaming as I was reading that.

Please just be that things have moved on. Please just be that they don't like Ricky Martin. Please let it be that rhythm games have changed since Rock Band and Guitar Hero entered the market. Let it be anything but that one little thing that's been gnawing away at my soul since I heard Sega were redoing it.

Let it be that the primary colours hurt the reviewer's eyes, let it be that the dancing monkey went against the reviewer's PETA like sensibilities. Let it be anything but that, please, for the sake of the children, the starving and the afflicted. Anything. But that.


Surprise.


The controls are fucked!




Review = 5/10

Games that can make you smile like a chimp: -1




"You broke my heart Fredo"



It's a sad day. What's there left to look forward to? Brown Space Marines 2?

Friday, 12 September 2008

Samba de Amigo Week: Artist profile Ricky Martin

The only thing I knew about Ricky Martin was that he did some crap songs which were somehow made into greatness by a monkey in a Sombrero.

Now I know more.

  • He's been nominated twice for "The Most Beautiful Person in the World Award"

  • He's a goodwill ambassador for UNICEF

  • He headlined Dubya's election campaign party

  • His mum is an accountant

His contribution to the Samba track listing was The Cup of Life and Livin' la Vida loca.

Just a couple of things really. Who the fuck won The Most Beautiful Person in the World Award? What on earth does a goodwill ambassador do, clear away land mines with a blast of She bangs?





Conclusion


Ricky Martin + Samba de Amigo = Goodness

Ricky martin solus pack = Shit music with an accountant for a mum

Next: Quincy Jones

Thursday, 11 September 2008

Samba de Amigo: How the fuck...

Did this completely slip past me?

It was only yesterday I was crowing about having nothing to play on the only machine that I have working at the moment.

What the fuck was I on? How the hell could I have not remebered that this is coming out. This month. Next-fucking-Thursday. Raaaaagggghrghrgrhgrhrghgrhrgh.

And so begins, Samba week!

We'll be taking a long hard look at artisits featured in Samba de Amigo. We'll root out their real motivations for working with Sega, their, likes, their loves and what their favourite fucking biscuit is.

Arriba el sombrero!

I'm glad that PG tips for monkeys doing cool shit. Otherwise this would never have happened !


Tomorrow: Ricky martin

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Summer Games Drought

What a fucking state of affairs.

The summer drought is usually bad as all the idiots line up their cool shit for Christmas. This year however takes the biscuit.

It's been a shite couple of weeks for gaming, my 360 is still fucked, my DS died and I'm near the end of Super Paper Mario. When I'm done with that I've got fuck all interesting on the horizon until SFIV, Deathtank on XBLA and KOFXII.

What shit.

When I do get my 360 sorted I suppose I should try that Braid thing although it seems far too up its own arse for me.

Shhhh...don't tell anyone but I got one of Konami's latest masterpieces and I can confirm it's pretty fucking cool.

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Dance Dance Immolation

Fuck me. This looks cool.

Not only is it DDR. There are no schoolkids in sight and the immaciated emo teengaers seem to have taken the day off too. It's DDR with huge fuckoff jets of flames that roast you if you fuck up.

The best use of a Steps tune ever

Simply amazing stuff. Fuck knows where you find a cabinet and that but I need to play this. Now.

More cool shit over at the main site.

Guitar Hero vs. School: Who wins, You decide.

So there's this guy callled Blake. He's pretty good at Guitar Hero. He's good enough that his parents have taken him out of school so that he can concentrate on killer riffs and all that.

I came across this on RLLMUK here. What I don't get is why they're all fucking whining about bad parenting and all that. The kid still gets home schooling and gets to play guitar hero and earn a few extra quid.

What's fucking wrong with that? Absolutely fuck all that's what.

Go Blake, The Idiot salutes you and your flaming finger power!


Prick (only out of jealosy mind, I can't do anything on expert)


Thursday, 14 August 2008

Who needs fucking pixels anyway?

While out looking roung shops I found these blinging Lego characters.

I think they're fucking cool.




WTF is the Chanel one?


All we need now is some socially inept Aspergers gamer to make a few levels out of Lego. We could then control it all marrionette style in real time.

It'd still be better than half the shit that's come out recently...Bratz Kidz Party I'm looking at you...you shovelware shit.

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Georgia vs. Russia: Death Tank Extravaganza XBLA

Fuck off with your real killing machines and death dealing vodka bottles...Just kill the shit out of each other wiith Death Tanks.

The best multi-fucking-player game ever (Warlords notwithstanding) is now in for an arcade release.

Get in.

Bagsy be the Russians, that kid in the corner with no thumbs, you're Georgia.

Independence eh? Check out the size of my tanks then think again








Monday, 11 August 2008

Fuck Anne Diamond! Peggle FTW!

So,

I've concluded that Anne Diamond is a bit dull. Instead of writing about her for a week I went on hols with Cakemix instead.

Sorry for the lack of updates but hey. Sunshine and grub wins out every time.

So, I would be playing braid at the moment to see what everyone is jizzing themselves over but I'm still in RRoD hell so it's DS and Wii stuff all the way.

So, recommend me something that's more fun than fatasising about Peggle DS. Which I'm doing a lot.

Anne Diamond: Shit and boring

Peggle DS: Much better than Anne Diamond but less opportunity for cot-death jokes






Saturday, 2 August 2008

Anne Diamond week: Saturday

OK, so I missed yesterday.

That's mainly because there's fuck all to say about Anne that isn't blatantly obvious.

So I thought I'd be blatantly obvious. There's something weird about Anne Diamond's weight. It fucking skyrockets and plummets on a regular basis. At the moment she's endorsing some plastic surgery, gastric band type shit. Looking at the pic below, would you fucking get one?

Yes, that's about as interesting as it gets. Christ.

This is starting to get really hard now and it's only second update. Where's my cosplay animal fucking?


Just eat fucking soup truffle-chops


And I've still not made a cot-death joke. Yet.



Thursday, 31 July 2008

Anne Diamond week: Thursday

The six degrees of Iain Lee.

So after extensive research (a look on wikipedia while having a shit) it seems that Anne's been a busy lady. I didn't know it, but she had a show an LBC with Tommy Boyd - The really rubbish one off Wac-a-Day.

That's the same radio station that Iain ' is it Ghostbusters 2?, crappy Renault Clio, Thumb Bandits' Lee had a show on. That's two different people I've written about who have a very tenuous connection. The planets must be in alignment.

They do have their differences though, one I quite like, the other one made me fucking angry.

Either way, there's not nearly enough dirt on Anne Diamond as I was hoping for. So for fuck's sake, help me out and send in something, anything, about cosplay beastiality so I can end this ill-chosen 'week'.

Oh, and I'm far too nice to make cot-death jokes

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

SPECIAL UPDATE ALERT: Anne Diamond Week!!

A quick trip to Google analytics shows that the top three keywords that send people to this blog are:

  • Anne Diamond's Cunt
  • Anne Diamond Fucking
  • Cosplay Pet Fucking

As much as I'd like to spend my time trying to find pictures of a middle-aged man cosplaying Sakura with his cock in a goldfish I've decided to focus my efforts on a special Anne Diamond week.

Yup - that means an update a day on Anne Fucking Diamond.

God the time's going to fly by. Unless anyone can help me by sending in loads of very explicit cosplay animal sex material (strictly for updates and nothing else, honest guv).

Get ready to be blown away (potentially literally) by the all-new kickass Anne Diamond!


This boomstick, me bit shit breakfast telly presenter





Thursday, 24 July 2008

Fuck You!

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh...

  • Fuck
  • Shit
  • Cunts
  • Pain
  • Pestilence
  • Disease
  • Nasty words
  • Salt be on your anal fissures

My launch machine got RRoD last night. Can't really find the words to exclaim my pissed-off-ness.


So, do I replace it and keep all my XBLA games (I don't really care about the disc based shit) or, and I can't believe I'm typing this, do I get a PS3 after payday?

Help me.

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

Battle of Destiny: 26th July - Holloway, London

So I'm going along to this thing on Saturday.

http://www.battleofdestiny.com/


Who's going to be there to watch me get my arse handed back to me in shreds, on a silver platter by a 10 year old still in nappies?

It's very likely.

Commment or send me a mail, perhaps we could meet? Cosplay obligatory.

Like this:




Friday, 18 July 2008

Cosplay Friday! Western Game alert!

Look, it's Lemmings!

No spiky haired blonde idiots with big fuckoff swords here. No girls in stupidly short skirts being letched over by 300 sweaty otaku...just lovely gentle gaming with the Can-Can playing over the top.

Aaaaw look...One of them has even got an umbrella for authenticity.

Aramagedddamemnon!

They all sort of look like a tourist tour around london...you know, the ones that all wear the same coloured jackets.

The one at the fronty to the left of centre could have put a bit more fucking effort in though.




Thursday, 17 July 2008

Cosplay de Go Go: Thursday!

I don't know what the fuck the girls are dressed up as but they look like they should be dishing out cups of early grey or similar.




The comedy comes from the blatant upskirt shot from the otaku dude. Mind you, the girls don't seem to mind or be bothered at all.

I can't figure out what the piece of paper is on the floor behind them. I'm going to assume it's a map as they're clearly in a corner next to an office block rather than a proper anime convention.

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

Day 2 in the cosplay week house: Edmund Honda

They're not all going to be Street Fighter updates but gag me...I couldn't not use this fucking gem.

Hundred hand fapp!

I can't see any other cosplayers around, the place looks like a train station and he's clearly on his way back from Tesco (hence the carrier bag).

That means that this guy dresses like this normally. I think that this is a truly great piece of cosplay.

It takes Sumo wrestlers years to get to their size and keep the weight on. This guy went through that to not even be a wrestler but to dress up as a fictional one. That's dedication (R.I.P. Roy Castle).

I'm not sure why the other people are all looking the other way...This guy is clearly greatness embodied. Even if he does have a bit of a farmer's tan.





Monday, 14 July 2008

ACHTUNG! COSPLAY UPDATE! ALERT! - Monday

Today we have...Bison or Balrog for the two readers from the east (cheers Google analytics).

Let's have a closer look. This guy is probably in his early twenties and works in IT. To be fair he's made a reasonable stab at this costume though. Fair enough.

Hadou...oops


He's got a lot of cardboard going on. You wonder why until you see the scuffed Reebok clasics indicating he's either from Chingford or Selly Oak. So he probably just pulled down his window coverings.

Note that he's used the red parcel tape from the same coverings to finish off his hat too. He truly is the Eco (world) Warrior

The orange prison outfit works pretty well. He may as well get extra use out of it after his stretch for unpaid parking tickets.

I'm loving the pose improvisation with the sneaky addition of a hadouken even though Bison doesn't do them.

The best thing about this though is the FUCKING CARPET! Look at it, go on! Under the sofa on the right there's a cartoon of Noseybonk and the rest of the pattern is just so, you know, like out there dude.

Usually, casual observers are great for little observations, but these guys are obviously used to some chap dressing up like a fictional dictator and making funny actions. These guys couldn't give a shit if a guy's making a fool out of himself right in front of them.

They're far too busy looking to see if the burger queue is any shorter...

E3?? Fuck that...this week is...COSPLAY WEEK

While I've been looking for idiots in cosplay I seem to have amassed a large number of mildly amusing pictures.

So, as E3 will no doubt be the same industy circle jerk piece of shit that it was last year, I thought I'd focus on cosplay instead.

Update imminent...

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Whiny people from Kansas...

Declined my challenge.

Still eight wins out of ten ain't fucking bad...go me!

Fucking idiots




Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo HD Remix Beta...

Fuck me that's a mouthfull...why not call it SSF2HDRB???

It'd save a lot of saliva and my fucking patience. Either way...

  • Chores...check (sort of)
  • Tidy up...check
  • Filthy wan...erm.....carwash...check
  • The whiny ass fourteen year old from Kansas who reckons "he all dat"s gamertag...check
  • Enough time to make him cry...check
Expect and update in an hour or so...I'm gonna murder the cunt (virtually Mr. Plod).


Why use a decent picture when you can have a Muscle Mary in cosplay?







Tuesday, 17 June 2008

Anne Fucking Diamond...Jesus wept, and then coughed up a lung

Well fuck me...games are going to cause all our kids to kill each other. Watch out society's falling apart.

Well not really, but someone completely unqualified has decided to have a stab at games journalism. So I'm going to have a completely unqualified stab at journalism critique. Oh, and you get to read Anne's fantastic comments too.

£10 quid to anyone who reads, £20 quid goes to whoever can find out if Anne plays with inverted controls or not.



Scarface

"Mindless garbage" inspired by an Oscar nomiated classic? Fuck you Anne Diamond. My mate went to school with your nephew. Apparently, he was boring. And a cunt.

Jounalism score: 1/10 - Use of "mindless garbage" too cliched. Must try harder.


Resident Evil 4

Violence? Bad for you? Faced with a whole load of Zombies what would you do. Make them a cup of fucking tea?

Jounalism score: 1/10 - makes a lazy assumption that torture is ghastly - do some fucking research. It's ace, just ask the majority shoreholder of your publication.




Call of Duty 4

I haven't played this game but it's pretty clear that neither has Anne. Either way - dogs getting their necks wrung sounds well...cool?

Jounalism score: 1/10 - OK for older teenage boys? Fucking sexist. Fucking ageist. P45 at any decent paper.




Halo 3


Landed at Christmas did it? Fall off Santa's fucking sleigh did it? Perhaps it was just bought in a shop like the bloody Xbox, moron.


Jounalism score: 0/10 - "My sons reckon". What about your fucking opinion. That is what you're getting paid for isn't it?





Jericho


"Playing on your fear of the dark". How fucking old are you, 8? NEWS UPDATE: Anne Diamond is still scared of the dark.

Jounalism score: 0/10 - "I stopped playing when I was set on fire". How can you form a decent opinion of the game if you don't play it all the way through. The rest of game is full of fluffy Kittens Anne. It's just a bit hard going at the beginning.




Dead or Alive 4

What's not to like about machismo, bravado and gravity defying tits?

Jounalism score: -5/10 - At least get the title of the fucking game right.

All in all Anne Diamonds a pretty shit video game journalist. Perhaps she should go to work for Edge.

Or Games TM.

Friday, 6 June 2008

Slice and dice mutherfuckaaaas!

Just back from lunch with the best violence ever...

Lots of tea and a night of gore...Roll on 6pm

Mmm body cocktail






Wednesday, 4 June 2008

How to feel like a fucking retard...oops It's called Professor Layton actually

So I got Professor layton and the Curious Village a couple of days ago and it's class. There are only two things that get me about it.

1. It's fucking impossible (for my tiny mind).

I've never really thought of myself as a dribbling fucktard but this game is handing my arse back to me. Some of the puzzles are dead easy but I've been stuck on one for an age now and it's driving me up the wall. Even using up hint coins helps fuck all. Now, this is a game that's made to be enjoyed by kids. If they can do this kind of shit and I get stuck, what does that make me? Am I thicker than an eight year old?


It'd be easier in fucking Japanese


2. Corr blimey Sherry Bobbins...

I started this without the sound on so I missed the Dick Van Dyke cockernee of the little kid at the beginning. Cakemix started playing it and it seems like I missed out on the full blown hilarity of the localisation.

I want more of this goddammitt. There had better be some more full voice over cut scenes before the end.

Chim - Chimerny..chim chim oh fuck off.

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

KOF...Fucking finally...

Amazon finally got their fucking act together and I got my KOF books.

They're fucking sweet. Now they just need to pull their thumb out of their collective arses and send the episodes in between the ones they just sent me...

Oh well,they could have shit on my cornflakes.

Sweet



Super fucking sweet

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Samba! Samba! Samba! Awesomeness embodied...

Too much to take in...It's all happening on one day.

First the Capcom thing and now a new Samba de Amigo trailers. It's got Monkey's and Maraccas and it's one of my fucking favourite all time games ever in the world ever ever...and it's coming out on Wii and there's a fucking monkey in the ad.

Can life get and better??




Not fucking likely this side of the next gazillion years

Capcom vs. Tatsunoko...yummy

OK, so the latest issue of Famitsu has me creaming. Fuck, I'm doing that a fair bit recently.

Either way Tatsunoko characters are getting wedged into a 2D fighter and it's going to be fucking brilliant in an MVC kinda way.

All you need to do is say Ryu and Battle of the Planets in the same scentence. Go on, try not to get a raging hard on.

Spooge





Friday, 16 May 2008

Metal Slug 7 Money Shot video

Just cleaning the come off my screen now...




I heart You Tube







Fuck me in the arse....Metal Slug 7

Is coming to the DS.

By way of a completely unsubstatiated rumour on RLLMUK....Whoop de fucking hoo...I can't wait.

Off to pop to the work loos and use up a whole bunch of loo roll.

Get in!

Schweeet!



Wednesday, 14 May 2008

Models....

Just saw this which is fuckign amazing.



Models aren't really my thing but the flames on this blew me away

Monday, 12 May 2008

Where's my stuff?

Well come one Amazon...fucking tell me and fucking tell me now!

It's been nearly three weeks since it shipped and this time it's not the theiving gypo postman cos I got all that shit sent to work.

I wanna read KOF stuff and make amigurumi stuff.

Arrrggghhh.


Even Granny agrees




Sunday, 4 May 2008

Iori...

Well...it's fucking sick.

The pic's a bit blurry but it's some great work.

Cheers to the boy Wes for great work. Dude, you're a star.


Fricking Sweet (tm)





Fuck GTA4?....

Well not really. I was only fucked off because I couldn't get one.

Well after a flukey visit to Zavvi (however the fuck you spell it) I managed to hang out and a nice man sold me a copy.

Not played it yet but with the golden shower shit in the manual it's bound to be fun...

Mmmm tangy





Wednesday, 30 April 2008

Fuck GTA4....I'm too busy...

Playing SNK vs. Capcom Card Fighters.


Blue Mary says "Hi"



It's fucking great. I didn't get what the fuck I was supposed to be doing until a couple of days ago and now I'm rocking a sweet deck and kicking the shit out of the cannon fodder.

There have been a couple of difficulty spikes but nothing along the lines of cunty Dugog.

Mmmm Shermie.

Oh and it's Iori day tomorrow, fucking sweet.

Orochi-tastic

Thursday, 17 April 2008

Fucking Cosplay...

When I was looking for a pic of Iori for my last post I came across this cosplay dude.

Click the pic for the full-size one and check out his facial expression.

Munggrrhghghgggggghhhhhh

They say a picture says a thousand words. In this case the words are all monosylabic grunts...eeejit







Wednesday, 9 April 2008

Ikaruga Wednesday: Special Update Alert!

As it's Ikaruga Wednesday I thought I'd theme an update.

I've just had some other fucking great news too. Oooh I'm all happy. Go Cakemix.

Anyhow, here's the special Ikaruga update...



White!


White!


White!

Black!


Black!


Black!


Black!


White! Oh shitfucks, I've bollocksed up my combo! Restart - Ugh