Gaaaaaah!

I feel fucking awful and I'm so fucking upset I don't know what to do...

L4D doesn't cut it. Spreadsheets lick balls. And all the joy has gone from SFIV (review coming soon). That's my upset relief mainstay out of the window. Got any cathartic ideas?

This sucks. The big one.


In other news, My Name is Bruce = 82% done.

Super Mario Land and why I love You Tube

This shit was posted on Kotaku so it must be important.

Either way this is one of the most funny fucking things I've seen in ages.

Some dude is giving a commentary as he plays Super Mario Land whilst off his face. Oh and it seems as though English isn't his first language.

Fucking Monstars!

Death Tank - Ninth in the fucking world!

Go me.

I have a pic to prove it but if I posted it you'd all know my gamertag...and unless you send in cosplay porn nothing's happening on that front.

Boom

You see that? I'm better than you at it. Well unless your name is:

• Adelta
• Twokill
• Jonny Sinister
• A hero is born
• Hamm Sandwich
• Plural dolphin
• vVv Crysis

CPT Simpson has the same score as me. Fuck, I'm a victim of the Alphabet now.

Left 4 Dead- Jack Thompson's gonna love it

25 quid.

That's what I paid for one of the best games I've ever played.

Go and buy it if you don't already have it. It's work work of staggering genius.

It's the first game I've played that let's me go nuts in airport with a shotgun and pipe-bombs. There's even a flaming van that you have to move and explode. The devs didn't mention Glasgow Airport but you get the picture.

If Jack Thompson was still doing his thing this would be called a TERRORIST SIMULATOR for sure.

Braaaaaaiinss

Instead it's just just zombie death in the best way imaginable.

Death Tank - Xbox Live arcade

Fuck me. I've done it.

In the week that SFIV is out and every other fucker is playing that I've finally officially become good at a game.

The game Death Tank, the officialdom - 26th in the world leaderboard. I can hardly believe it.

I'm officially good at killing shit

Oh, and the game i fucking great too. Well worth the 1200 points that every cunt is whining about.

Sagat's Fucking Huge

I found a massive model of Sagat on holiday. He's fucking huge and I'm sorry I called him a cheap wanker.

Tiger Knee (you in the balls)

But based on last night's play he's still a proper cunt and everyone's gone back to using him after getting that fucking acheivement. Still, up to 70 wins though.

Tiger Mutherfuckin' Knee! Get tae fuck ye cunt!

Spamming fucking bastards!

Finally got my combos going, gettign a number of wins and then fuck. As soon as one person's done it, the unimaginitive 15 year old American twats all start doing it.

Not griefing on them but when every fucker online is Sagat, it's mad fucking dull.

Sagat: Cheap wanker

Gears of War 2: Review

It's bloody great!

Mariaaaaaa....You've gotta see her!

Go and buy it. Oh and leave a Guitar Hero guitar plugged in. It's fucking great. Death by whammy bar.

Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo HD Remix: Review

So, after waiting pretty much a year since it was announced and reading Sirlin's blog and generally nursing a "woody in my sweats" I downloaded this last night.

I didn't have much of a go but here's my review.

"Not as good as the Beta."

Mainly because I couldn't get a fucking game all night. Oh, and all my records from the Beta mysteriously vanished. Massive cunts.

Oh well, it looks pretty and seemed to play OK in one player. If it keeps up like this I'll have to find some real life friends to play against. Which means I'll need to start acting like a sociable human.

Aaaaah fuck it, I'll just wait til SFIV and the new King of Fighters instead.

Where the fuck is everybody?

Video Games Live 2008: Cosplay Extravaganza

I went along to Video Games Live 2008.

A brief review and synopsis would be along the lines of:

1st Half
1st game music montage: Great
Magical Sound Shower: Great
Mario bit: OK
Rest of the first half: OK
Wine in interval: Too Sweet

2nd Half
I can't do tjhis bit in bullets cos it was fucking weird. Imagine a big orchestra playing themes you don't know from JRPGs you don't give a shit about. Now combine that with an audience of fucking uber nerds whooping and hollering to pictures of fan art done by kids with a fucking pack of crayola.

Now imagine that every male in there, bar me and a few other sane people, were trying to conceal their Japanophile hard-ons. We left early as we didn't to be victims of a Final Fantasy bukkake.

It wasn't a complete waste though. There was also:



Cosplay
Now I'm not a massive fan of this at all but this was possibly the highlight of the show. It was some of the worst cosplay I've seen and I'm fucking gutted that I didn't take any photos.

The dude who won the competition was wearing a shop-bought master chief outfit. There were a load of Solid Snakes and somem more fucked up RPG shit that I couldn't give a toss about.

They made this look good.

Meow......Fail

King of Fighters XII: Where the fuck did that come from. It's very nice.

I'm doing this all the fucking time. Missing out on great new stuff with no real reason why.

I thought the new KOF had vanished after the last cam footage I saw. And then someone dead clever told me about this.

How fucking jizzworthy is this?

Holy-fucking-crap-Batman

I'm simply blown away.

Expect the next few days to feature a breakdown of random screengrabs from that sex-o-footage.

Nintendo DSi - Fuck me...

Ok So the DSi is on it's way to Japan in November.

Thanks Kotaku

It's a revalation! Its a DS Lite with:

• A camera
• A slightly bigger screen
• An SD card slot
• Thinner from the side
• A shop

Or more to the point. It's a DS Lite with:

• Home-made porn
• A bigger screen to watch home made porn on
• Removable home-made porn for use on other devices
• More portable home-made porn
  
• A shop for Japanese bukake and user generated home made porn (not strictly true)

Go go Porntendo.

Even though little's changed I'll still end up buying one.

Samba de Amigo: Heartbreak

Sorry for the lack of updates.

I've been in mourning.

I kept dreaming as I was reading that.

Please just be that things have moved on. Please just be that they don't like Ricky Martin. Please let it be that rhythm games have changed since Rock Band and Guitar Hero entered the market. Let it be anything but that one little thing that's been gnawing away at my soul since I heard Sega were redoing it.

Let it be that the primary colours hurt the reviewer's eyes, let it be that the dancing monkey went against the reviewer's PETA like sensibilities. Let it be anything but that, please, for the sake of the children, the starving and the afflicted. Anything. But that.


Surprise.


The controls are fucked!




Review = 5/10

Games that can make you smile like a chimp: -1

"You broke my heart Fredo"

It's a sad day. What's there left to look forward to? Brown Space Marines 2?

Samba de Amigo Week: Artist profile Ricky Martin

The only thing I knew about Ricky Martin was that he did some crap songs which were somehow made into greatness by a monkey in a Sombrero.

Now I know more.

• He's been nominated twice for "The Most Beautiful Person in the World Award"
  
  
• He's a goodwill ambassador for UNICEF
  
  
• He headlined Dubya's election campaign party
  
  
• His mum is an accountant

His contribution to the Samba track listing was The Cup of Life and Livin' la Vida loca.

Just a couple of things really. Who the fuck won The Most Beautiful Person in the World Award? What on earth does a goodwill ambassador do, clear away land mines with a blast of She bangs?

Ricky Martin: A bit shit without Sega

Conclusion

Ricky Martin + Samba de Amigo = Goodness

Ricky martin solus pack = Shit music with an accountant for a mum

Next: Quincy Jones

Samba de Amigo: How the fuck...

Did this completely slip past me?

It was only yesterday I was crowing about having nothing to play on the only machine that I have working at the moment.

What the fuck was I on? How the hell could I have not remebered that this is coming out. This month. Next-fucking-Thursday. Raaaaagggghrghrgrhgrhrghgrhrgh.

And so begins, Samba week!

We'll be taking a long hard look at artisits featured in Samba de Amigo. We'll root out their real motivations for working with Sega, their, likes, their loves and what their favourite fucking biscuit is.

Arriba el sombrero!

I'm glad that PG tips for monkeys doing cool shit. Otherwise this would never have happened !

Tomorrow: Ricky martin

Summer Games Drought

What a fucking state of affairs.

The summer drought is usually bad as all the idiots line up their cool shit for Christmas. This year however takes the biscuit.

It's been a shite couple of weeks for gaming, my 360 is still fucked, my DS died and I'm near the end of Super Paper Mario. When I'm done with that I've got fuck all interesting on the horizon until SFIV, Deathtank on XBLA and KOFXII.

What shit.

When I do get my 360 sorted I suppose I should try that Braid thing although it seems far too up its own arse for me.

Shhhh...don't tell anyone but I got one of Konami's latest masterpieces and I can confirm it's pretty fucking cool.

Dance Dance Immolation

Fuck me. This looks cool.

Not only is it DDR. There are no schoolkids in sight and the immaciated emo teengaers seem to have taken the day off too. It's DDR with huge fuckoff jets of flames that roast you if you fuck up.

The best use of a Steps tune ever

Simply amazing stuff. Fuck knows where you find a cabinet and that but I need to play this. Now.

More cool shit over at the main site.

Guitar Hero vs. School: Who wins, You decide.

So there's this guy callled Blake. He's pretty good at Guitar Hero. He's good enough that his parents have taken him out of school so that he can concentrate on killer riffs and all that.

I came across this on RLLMUK here. What I don't get is why they're all fucking whining about bad parenting and all that. The kid still gets home schooling and gets to play guitar hero and earn a few extra quid.

What's fucking wrong with that? Absolutely fuck all that's what.

Go Blake, The Idiot salutes you and your flaming finger power!

Prick (only out of jealosy mind, I can't do anything on expert)

Who needs fucking pixels anyway?

While out looking roung shops I found these blinging Lego characters.

I think they're fucking cool.

Cool pendants, cunt's clothing

WTF is the Chanel one?

All we need now is some socially inept Aspergers gamer to make a few levels out of Lego. We could then control it all marrionette style in real time.

It'd still be better than half the shit that's come out recently...Bratz Kidz Party I'm looking at you...you shovelware shit.

Georgia vs. Russia: Death Tank Extravaganza XBLA

Fuck off with your real killing machines and death dealing vodka bottles...Just kill the shit out of each other wiith Death Tanks.

The best multi-fucking-player game ever (Warlords notwithstanding) is now in for an arcade release.

Get in.

Bagsy be the Russians, that kid in the corner with no thumbs, you're Georgia.

Independence eh? Check out the size of my tanks then think again